The Big C

there is still a big C I wear as a scar on my head. my skin and bone flap cut open to remove the brain matter that fed…my tumor. leading to chemo and recovery and trying to rewire my brain to my body. my left and right sides not feeling as one. i still bump into walls with my shoulder feeling stitched together some. my left leg goes numb when i work it too hard, which can be a chore. my right hand tingles and feels dead at the core.

i chose poetry as my medium of choice after my surgeries. i felt i could say the most with the least amount of time. be able to download my consciousness to you with a rhyme. so that you might remember. so that this story could be passed on forever. because spoken or written, rhythm is eternal. to tell the story of a man who woke up the day after his surgery. who tried his hardest not to just walk but to run again. started clicking buttons and typing to continue to work, amen. who was thankful for the life he was given. thankful for his wonderful wife and children.

if this was the last thing i was ever to write, i wonder what i’d say to you so you might think twice about how we lived. so that you might do some things better for the human collective and give, knowing that your choices are part of something much much larger. that everything you consume and produce is part of our shared human cancer. a disease multiplied by humans with no answer.

still most would prefer immediate gratification. still most are striving for their personal satisfaction. so with these words i thank the world for what i have been given. i ask for forgiveness for my sins and treason, against my humanity that gave me free will. i apologize that i had to be branded with a C before i learned to chill. i apologize that i threw away so much time and trash. that i ran too much water and burnt too much gas. that i enlisted in the Army willing and ready to kill. that i drank and ate too much of everything, while here. that i didn’t notice more of your beauty and just be still. for now i will continue to tell my story. hoping that through our honesty we will find our full potential and glory.

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